


if you need a little sunshine (you can borrow some of mine)

by gayNE



Category: Commentary Crew | Eboys RPF, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alex isn't okay, Angst, Arguing, Cigarettes, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, George memeulous is a good friend, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Songfic, TOO MANY BALCONY SCENES IM SORRY, Will loves him though, i love my balcony scenes, lonely eyes by the front bottoms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:07:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24054910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayNE/pseuds/gayNE
Summary: It makes Will so sad to just watch his little sunshine dim into nothingness, his smile fading along with his light.
Relationships: Alex Elmslie/Will Lenney
Comments: 3
Kudos: 90





	if you need a little sunshine (you can borrow some of mine)

**Author's Note:**

> " You've got me stuck to where I'm sittin'  
> Lookin' at your eyes  
> And I know I'm so pathetic  
> I wouldn't move to save my life "

"There you are," Will says, closing the sliding glass door behind him.  
  
Alex glances up from his balcony chair, "Hey, come to join me?"  
  
Will sits in the chair opposite him, leaning his elbows to rest on his knees, "Sure. Are you feeling okay? You left kind of suddenly."  
  
Alex shrugs, taking a long drag of his cigarette and using his thumb to flick ash off it. It's conflicting, almost. On one hand, Alex looks so beautiful with smoke spiraling from his lips. On the other hand, it's a bit worrying how many of these he's been having lately.  
  
Alex had promised it wouldn't become a habit, but this is third one since the party started and that definitely feels like a habit to him.  
  
Alex hasn't answered his question but Will knows better than to pry, so he just enjoys being close to him.  
  
He's been different recently, almost cosmically so. Alex had always been so bright, like a ray of sunshine. Sure he could be a bit cynical and even a tad pessimistic at times, but now it's dissolved into just pure nihilism.  
  
It makes Will so sad to just watch his little sunshine dim into nothingness, his smile fading along with his light. 

"Wanna hit this?" Alex asks, holding out his cigarette.  
  
He wants to say no, but it feels oddly like some sort of solidarity, and maybe that's what Alex needs right now.  
  
"Sure," he shrugs, taking the cigarette. He holds it how Alex and every person in films does, between his pointer and middle finger. Alex is looking at him now, the smallest smile on his lips as if he's waiting for Will's reaction.  
  
He puts his lips to it, noticing the end is slightly sticky from Alex's strawberry chapstick which hardly bothers him, but she second he inhales he regrets everything. The smoke hits his throat and he immediately starts coughing, "Bloody grim that is, christ."  
  
Alex laughs and in that moment Will doesn't even care that his teeth feel funny now or that his entire mouth tastes like tobacco. He doesn't care because Alex is _laughing_ and his smile actually reaches his eyes, something he hasn't seen in a while.  
  
Alex takes it back, "That was absolutely tragic Will."  
  
His feelings for Alex are something he's been aware of for a while but never full processed until now, as he's gently digging the end of the cigarette into the bucket near his chair. His hair, longer than it's been in a while, falls in his eyes and he blows sharply to send it flying. He slides the 3/4s smoked cig back into his pack, but he doesn't look ready to stand up.  
  
"So, about your question.." Alex trails off, twirling his rings around his slender fingers absentmindedly.  
  
It takes Will a moment to understand what he means, "Oh yeah, you alright?"  
  
It's not technically a party, more of a get together with around ten of their friends but Alex had disappeared out of nowhere. It always worries Will when he does that, but It'd become more common for him to disappear without a word.  
  
"Am I ever?"

* * *

It's gone from something concerning to straight up scary. Alex hasn't uploaded in weeks, he's virtually silent on social media albeit his occasional jokey or depressing tweets.  
  
"I'm seriously worried, Will, I haven't seen him like this since he moved back from America," George says, voice coming off a bit static-y across the phone.  
  
"Shit," Will whispers.  
  
"Yeah no kidding," George sighs, "I thought he'd get better within a few days but this is more than just a rough patch at this point."  
  
George sounds desperate in a way Will hadn't heard from him before, voice teetering on panicked. In a way that worries Will more, hearing one of his most level-headed friends start to be genuinely worried for Alex's well being.  
  
"He's going through like a pack of cigs a day and he's spending all his money on them and Prosecco. He hasn't played any games with me in days and I don't even think he's showered, Will."  
  
Will leans his head back and slides down in his chair, "What do we do?"  
  
"I don't know, he'll barely talk to me and all I wanna do is help him," George pauses and exhales slowly like he's trying to make himself stable, "Can you come over? Maybe talk to him a bit, he seems to open up a lot more with you around."  
  
"Absolutely, give me fifteen."  
  
"He's in his room," George says when Will knocks, and frankly he looks just how he sounded over the phone. He looks sleepless, something common for Alex but not for George.  
  
Alex's door to his room is cracked and Will knocks on the frame, pushing open the door when he hears a muffled 'What?'.  
  
He's facing his wall, curtains drawn and pink internet sensation light painting the room neon. He turns when he doesn't a response, eyes widening ever-so-slightly when he sees Will.  
  
He sits up, hand immediately going to push his hair out of his face, "Jesus, hi."  
  
"Y'alright?" Will asks, pushing the door closed and walking over to make himself comfortable on Alex's bed.  
  
Alex shrugs. His hoodie is stained by what looks like wine, and definitely not fresh wine either.  
  
"This is so embarrassing, I didn't know you'd be coming over can you - can I get a few minutes to make myself presentable?"  
  
"Oh, course, want me to wait in the living room?"  
  
Alex nods, smiling gently and Will wants to kiss him so badly, messy hair, stained hoodie and all.  
  
When he wanders into the living room again sans Alex George looks concerned before Will fills him in.  
  
"I'll make you some tea, we have some of that earl grey stuff you like," George mumbles, seemingly a bit distracted.  
  
"Sure, thanks," Will says, settling on the couch and watching George put the kettle on.  
  
Alex comes back out with new clothes and his pack in his hands, "Wanna sit outside with me?"  
  
Will nods and glances at George, almost as if to ask for approval.  
  
"I'll bring your tea to you, don't worry. Want a cuppa Al?"  
  
Alex shakes his head, "Thank you though."  
  
It's afternoon, and it dawns on Will that he doesn't think he's been outside with Alex during day time in weeks. Will watches as he perches the cigarette in his mouth, shielding it from the breeze with one hand and lighting it with the other.  
  
Said lighter is bright yellow with a black 'G' and when Will quirks his eyebrow at it Alex takes the cigarette out of his mouth to explain, "Stole it from George, he has a collection of lighters for his _many_ many candles."  
  
Will nods and smiles. Alex pulls his legs up so his feet are on the edge of the chair, wrapping his free arm around his legs as if he's curling in on himself.  
  
It's quiet for a while and maybe that;s one of the scariest things about how different Alex has been recently. He's so quiet.  
  
There are a million words Will could use to describe Alex Elmslie. Creative. Smart. Generous. Beautiful. Annoying. Stubborn. Wonderful.  
  
But never would he use quiet.  
  
"Al-"  
  
"Will," Alex cuts him off like he knows what he'd gonna say, "I don't wanna talk about my mental health right now."  
  
His voice isn't malicious in the slightest, he just sounds so _exhausted_.  
  
"I get that," Will says, the sun beginning to feel all too warm on his skin, "I'm just worried is all."  
  
"I'm fine," He says, words tenser, "Just a rough month."  
  
He hits his cigarette like a life line and Will thanks the lord when the sliding door opens and George brings him his mug of tea.  
  
"Here," George says with a smile as he hands him the mug, turning to Alex and plucking the lighter from his hand, "Stop stealing these you muppet."  
  
Alex smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. George leaves and Will swallows.  
  
"Listen, I know you don't wanna talk about it but I just wanna say something-"  
  
"Will," Alex frowns.  
  
"Please?"  
  
Alex purses his lips together squints, breathing out smoke as a sigh escapes him, "Fine," He says.  
  
Will smiles, grateful, "I just want you to know I'm here for you. I know it's cliche but seriously Al, It's so upsetting that you're hurting and I just want you to be alright. I miss my sunshine."  
  
Alex looks away, gazing off the balcony but when Will looks closer he can see he's holding back a smile, a pale blush spread across his face. "Your tea is gonna get cold."

* * *

Weeks go by and nothing changes - in fact, it get's worse. Alex won't even talk to him anymore.

"You've been avoiding me," Will says, less of a question and more an observation.  
  
Alex stares straight ahead, face not wavering. He flicks the ash off his cigarette with his thumb, watching it fall two stories like it's the most interesting thing in the world.  
  
"Alex-" Will tries, stepping closer to rest a hand on his arm but he flinches, and Will's heart shatters.  
  
"Will _please_ I don't wanna talk can you just go home?"  
  
It's like a dagger, truly. Alex had never not wanted to talk to him, and on top of that, he'd never been so inclined to tell him to go away. He'd always wanted love from his friends.  
  
"Who _are_ you?" Will asks quietly - maybe it's just the hurt from Alex's words or maybe it's the fact that he can barely recognize the boy in front of him.  
  
Alex looks at him for the first time that night, eyebrows knit together, "What?"  
  
Will shakes his head, "Why do you keep acting like this? I know you're going through a hard time but you don't get to just shut me out. Or George out. You're breaking his heart Alex, truly, he wants to make you happy so _badly_ and you're just alienating him and don't you see what it's doing to him?"  
  
It's harsh and Will knows it, but at the moment he doesn't care. There's only so many times he can listen to George fall apart over the phone.  
  
Alex is silent so Will just continues, "I am trying so hard to - to reach you Alex, to try and help you or at least talk to you but you keep casting me aside and I just don't get it. You've never done this before so please tell me where the Alex I know is because I don't even know who I'm looking at right now."  
  
"Christ," Alex almost hisses, grinding his cigarette so hard on the balcony ledge that what's left of it snaps, "It's not about you Will, Jesus fuck!"  
  
"I didn't say it was," Will is quick to defend.  
  
He discards the broken cigarette and clenches his fists together.  
  
"Maybe I _have_ been avoiding you," Alex starts, tossing his hands up and facing him fully, "But it's for a reason. I'm _not_ okay Will, not even a little, and I keep waking up expecting it to just **be** better but it's not and I can't keep going on like this because I'm - I'm _fading_ , Will, I'm losing who I am, I'm slipping away and I can't fucking do anything to stop it!"  
  
He's crying now, the tears are streaming and Will is frozen.  
  
"I've been avoiding you because I hate that you have to see me like this. I'm not me, you're right, and you're the _one_ fucking person I just can't lie to and all I'm doing is hurting you and - and George and everyone but I'm too numb half the time to even _care_ and that's the worst part, that sometimes I just don't care. I keep trying to drown myself in alcohol and cigarettes and none of it makes me feel anything, I'd rather feel pain than this _nothing_ but it's swallowing me whole and I'm not even a person anymore."  
  
Will's eyes sting and he realizes that he's crying to, but he dare not move.  
  
"I'm a shell of a person and it's _killing_ me," Alex chokes on a sob, backing up to lean against the wall of the apartment and sliding down it. He puts his head in his hands and echoes, "It's killing me."  
  
And Will's heart breaks all over again. His voice is so weak and he looks so small balled up and sobbing and all anger he'd harbored is thrown out the window.  
  
He sits next to him, saying nothing as he wraps his arms around Alex's shaking form and pulls him to his chest. Alex wrestles against him for a moment but Will holds him, and after a few seconds he falls limp, clinging to his sleeve.  
  
"I'm sorry," Alex whimpers, "I'm so fucking sorry."  
  
"Stop," Will says gently, resting a hand on the back of his head, "Don't apologize."  
  
Alex's tears are seeping through his shirt but Will doesn't care. He can't care.  
  
They stay like that until Alex is quiet and his shaking has subsided, but he doesn't move at first. He stays with his hands fisted in the fabric of Will's shirt, face buried in his chest.  
  
"I'm sorry," he mumbles again, "And I will apologize because no matter how fucked I am, I've been so shitty to you. To everyone."  
  
"It's okay," Will says as Alex pulls away and looks at him, "And I'm sorry too, i said some things that weren't cool."  
  
Alex shrugs, "I kind of needed to hear it. Thank you, for being so good to me."  
  
Will feels his chest swell and he smiles, "It's what friends are for, right?"  
  
They go back inside and George is standing in the living room, glancing between his friends, "Hey, what's going on-"  
  
He's cut off by Alex's arms wrapping around him, hugging him hard. George looks surprised, looking at Will as he slowly hugs him back, and Will just smiles.

* * *

 **Will:** Nothings the same without you  
 **Alex:** i'll be back soon, don't be dramatic x  
 **Will:** I know I know allow it  
 **Will:** How are your parents?  
 **Alex:** good, mums trying to convince me to get a therapist in London  
 **Will:** Might be good for you  
 **Alex:** maybe so  
 **Alex:** right i've gotta go, i'll talk to you later yeah?  
 **Will:** Call me soon, i miss you  
 **Alex:** melt. i miss you too.  
  
"Is he doing alright?" James asks, taking a break from pouring their drinks.  
  
Will sighs, rubbing his temple in exasperation, "I think he's starting to do better, I just... I wish there's more I could do."  
  
"Will, listen," James says, "You did everything you could, you can't just magically fix his depression with _will_ -power no pun intended-"  
  
Will rolls his eyes but James continues, "You did everything in your power to make him happy, now you've just gotta wait for him to improve on his own - and it'll happen, Alex is a strong little bastard."  
  
He's been gone for a week now and all Will can think of is the what-ifs. What if there's something he could've done different? What if he made things worse? What if Alex never comes back?  
  
Every rational part of his brain is telling Will he's being stupid, but he just can't help it.  
  
"I love him," Will says, "In a not-how-you-love-your-mates kinda way."  
  
James raises an eyebrow, clinking his glass with Will's, "Here's to him coming home soon."  
  
Will smiles, loving James for not prying and just being himself.  
  
"To Alex coming home."

* * *

Another few days pass until Alex calls him. He nearly has a heart attack scrambling to click answer, and when he does Alex's voice chimes in as stunning as ever.  
  
"Ello."  
  
"Hey, hello," Will says, "How are you?"  
  
Alex hums slightly, "Better. Not great, but better. Spending time with my mum and my cats-"  
  
"Good old marmite," Will teases and he hears Alex laugh over the phone, a beautiful sound that he could listen to for hours.  
  
"I think I'll be home in a few days. Could you do me a favour, actually?"  
  
"Of course," Will answers without even thinking.  
  
"Could you check on George for me? I know he can get antsy when I'm away and I don't want him spiraling from being alone. Also, make sure he hasn't killed our plants yet."  
  
And there's the real real Alex. The one that loves his friends and teases them with a smile, and Will feels over the moon.  
  
"Absolutely."

* * *

It's about 9pm when he gets a knock at his door. Gee is out with her boyfriend so it's not one of her friends. He doesn't remember ordering anything so he's beyond confused.  
  
He brushes off his tshirt and opens the door it and -  
  
"Alex," He says, surprised, "You're-"  
  
"I wanted it to be a surprise," He says, hands clasped in front of him, "I already stopped by my flat but I just had to see you."  
  
He leans up to hug him, arms wrapped around his neck. Will hugs him back because _fuck_ he missed him.  
  
Sure, it's only been two weeks, but that's two weeks without the smell of his fruity conditioner or his citrus cologne. Two weeks without his diamond smile and his sky blue eyes.  
  
Two weeks without Will's mind finding all sorts of cliche's so compare his beauty to. Two weeks without his teasing words and warm hugs. Months without his ray of sunshine.  
  
Alex pulls back but his hands rest on either side of Will's face, "I missed you."  
  
Will grins, "I'm glad you're back holy shit - How are you?"  
  
"Better than I've been in a while," Alex says, "My mom made me quit the cigarettes - And I mean she literally made me, threw them out and it was a lousy three days but I'm so thankful for her. And you."  
  
Will wants to respond but he's a bit distracted by house Alex's hands are still on his face and how they're so close and _fuck_ he looks so gorgeous.  
  
He looks rested too, like he's had a real nights sleep and he's smiling. A real, genuine, meets his eyes smile and Will could cry right now if he wasn't so happy.  
  
"I am so proud of y-" Will starts, but Alex cuts him off by pressing their lips together hard. It's sudden and startling and he barely processes that it's happened until Alex has already pulled back.  
  
"I'm sorry I just couldn't resist," Alex grins.  
  
"You - what?"  
  
Alex looks sheepish for a moment, "Well, you see, I called James and I told him that I have feelings for you and he said that you told him you like me too and-"  
  
"Fucking Marriott," Will whispers, pulling Alex back in and kissing the giggle off his lips.  
  
Things are still hard sometimes. There are days when Alex can seem distant, go through a rough few nights where he seems dim again. But the sunshine doesn't die.  
  
Will is there to lift him back up again, and George is there to support him unconditionally. James is there to be the reasonable one and with the help of his new therapist, everyday seems a little bit brighter.  
  
"Hey," Will says, closing the balcony door behind him. Alex looks up and beams, letting Will lean down to kiss him softly.  
  
"Hey, come to join me?"

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!! thoughts????
> 
> " And if for some reason you don't feel like talkin'  
> I could just sit and enjoy your company  
> Your company "


End file.
